Fixing the World with a Tag Team Match

a short story from john edgar

The other day, I lifted the screen on my laptop and watched it slowly glowing it’s way to life. Opening Google Chrome and checking my email begins almost every day of work for me. I have known for a long time that this is not the most efficient way to start my day. It usually leads to anywhere from one hour to a full day of distractions and internet holes that would make hiking the Appalachian Trail seem like a stroll to the mailbox.

The internet had a question, and that question needed an answer. The internet asked, “How would I fix WWE Tag Team Wrestling by the end of 2018.” The internet was inquiring and time was running out to solve this problem. My day was now focused solely on fixing not just the WWE, no we do not stop at one organization. This was our change to fix the WWE, Wrestling as a whole, the entire world and humanity itself. 

With less than a month left in 2018, here is how you fix the world with tag team wrestling in this limited time. 

R-truth and Carmella have one of their legendary dance breaks. This one is more legendary than ever before. Goldust appears and joins the party. They begin dancing, Goldust doing some weird version of the “Battuse” from the Adam West version of the Caped Crusader.

As the song is ending, Goldust tells Truth that he needs a favor. He tells Truth about his brother, StarDust, being lost for so long. He reminds Truth that little Jimmy also had also gone missing. Goldust has heard that whoever is Tag Team Champions on New Year’s Eve at Midnight gets a wish to be granted. They can bring back to WWE their families. But the only way this can happen is if GoldenTruth reunites. 

R-Truth explains that little Jimmy is back living with his mom and that was best for him. It was hard to get along towards the end. 

This breaks Goldust heart, and Carmella steps in. “Truth… I think we should help him. Think about how sad you would be if we couldn’t do dance breaks. Goldust has lost his dance break Truth.”

Truth agrees. They reform and lose the title shot they convinced Paige to give them that evening. 

On the last night of Programming before the new year, they come up with a plan. During the show opening, we see them going to a merchandise stand in the stadium and purchasing three Tag Champ Belts (cause Mella needs one too) and set up a championship defense at the end of the night. But not just any match will do, they have a Mixed Gender Four Group Tag (3 members) Team the Last Team Standing Elimination Lumberjack Ladder Championship Match. The participants are; The Golden Truth is Money, The Uso’s and Naomi, New Day with Kofi in a wig (he lost the coin flip… well pancake flip), and of course the Broken Hardy’s reuniting with Bayley fulfilling a lifelong dream alongside them. 

As the announcer calls for the bell to begin the match, we hear the iconic skidding and crashing with clapping and a guitar rift signifying the arrival of Mankind. The crowd gets on its feet and begins cheering when a figure steps out of the fog in Gorilla position. That figure is not Mankind.

The music fades and a voice booms through the arena, “Finally! The Rock has returned… to Smackdown. Did the Rock hear, what the Rock thinks he heard? Did the Rock hear that you have decided to have a match to defend a new tag championship tonight? You want to have this championship on this show? On the Rocks show? You want to have this championship match right now on the Rock’s show Smackdown? Who do you think you are?”

The entire audience pauses for a second, “It doesn’t matter who you are! Mr. Fruity Pebbles can call from the hair salon where he is getting sticky hair gel all over himself and blows with massages. He claims that this is his show. Then there is that other guy, the one that keeps jumping around running his mouth saying “mahhhhmaaaaawaaawaha” his roody-pooh-flippity-floppity-face is the one that built this place. The Rock will deal with them later. Right now, and the Rock means right now! It is time for the millions… and millions… of the Rocks fans…” 

Suddenly, Rock is joined by the voice of the Hardcore Legend Mick Foley. In unison with the crowd, “and the dozens… and dozens of Mankind’s fans!” There is no longer a roof on the building, it has been blown off by the cheers of those in attendance! 

RTruth is looking for his Championship Belt.
You can find yours at WWEShop or on the WWEShop on Amazon!

“You know Rock, as excited as I am for the Rock and Sock Connection to be here and reunite to give the WWE Fans a treat, I am a little worried that we need a female partner to compete… It’s a mixed gender match.”

The Rock raises an eyebrow and begins looking at Foley. “Do you think the Rock doesn’t know that this is mixed tag team match. Do you think the Rock does not know that means we need a woman on our team?”

“Well no Rock, I mean I wasn’t saying you didn’t know, maybe you forgot?”

“The Rock does not Forget, Mick Foley.” his voice tightening with irritation, “The Rock know’s this. The Rock’s partner is Mick Foley. Mick Foley is at least 3 or 4 people in one. He is the Mick Foley, He is the Dude that has smoked a little too much in that “Hippy Drum-circle.” Oh, the Rock knows. You thought nobody saw that. The Rock saw that “Drum Circle.” Hell, you are even the Cactus FlapityJacks! I’m surprised the New Day didn’t throw you to the people. One of these people that are Mick Foley must have a man-gina. I mean look at you? There must be pie in there somewhere. It probably isn’t good pie. It is not the kind of pie that the Rock would put out on his table for his guest at Christmas.”

“Well Rock, I don’t want to disappoint you. But I don’t have any pie. I think we may have to, you know, maybe, find someone else to help? I can call some of my friends. Like maybe… I think I still have Vickie Guerro’s number. I can call her Rock.”

“The Rock wants to know if you are joking,” the eyebrow is again raised, “The Rock thinks you best be joking. You, Mick Foley, are driving the Rock nuts…”

“I can’t be doing that Rock. Driving something that large requires a CDL, and I just have a regular license.”

“… The Rock will solve this problem. What if the Rock were to “phone a friend” to come and help us. Maybe the Rocks friend is already here. Maybe the Rocks friend met the Rock on the set of a little movie about fast cars with furious people in them. Maybe the Rocks friend has been waiting since WrestleMania 31, where she helped the Rock create a WrestleMania Moment that the world will never, and the Rock means never, forget When she joined the rock in laying the SmackDown on a certain authority couple.  Maybe the Rocks friend has gotten a little rowdy since then and would like to join the Rowdy Rock and Sock Connection and spread some Christmas joy!”

Suddenly, Joan Jett’s voice blast from the sound system and is nearly drowned out by the loudest crowd ever to attend a Smackdown recording, “I don’t give a damn ’bout my reputation.” as the WWE Raw Women’s Champion, Rowdy Rhonda Rousey, makes her Smackdown debut. 

I can not even begin to describe the things that happened in that ring. If you were to combine all the characters from every system of writing from Cave Paintings all the way to binary, there are not enough to even start describing the brilliance of the work in the ring during this match. 

It was so grand that the match itself lasted for 3 complete hours. The USA network turned all of it’s programming to nothing but WWE for this time slot. Advertisers were calling during the match begging to be given ad space. Some ads were sold during the actual run of the show for upwards of $1,000,000 for a 30-second spot. Hulu asked the WWE to provide them not only the standard Smackdown Cut for that week, but a second cut that consisted only of what became known as the Tag Team Championship of the Century. 

Saint Mick Foley, Mick Foley, Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack

I can not describe to you everything that happened during the match. I can tell you that it ended, not by the brave warrior defeating a foe. No, it was not a thing of violence. In the end, it was good ole’ Saint Mick Fo-Ho-Holey whose heart seemed to grow 5 sizes that day. Realizing what was at stake for Goldust on this Christmas night. Six days from New Year’s Eve, it wasn’t a title that caused the GoldenTruth to fight. It was the love Goldust had for his brother. The love for a brother is what they fought for.

When the combatants discovered this, everything changed. The Hardy’s knew the importance of having your brother stand with you. They were the first to offer their loss as a sacrifice that night. The Usos looked at each other for only a moment as Naomi joined in their hug. Lossing, a match is not as important as a lifetime alongside your brother. The New Day knew this more than all. They were not of the same blood, but the bonds they shared ran just as deep. They knew how lucky they were to enjoy the people they are with every day. 

All that was left in the match was one member of the Rowdy Rock and Sock Connection and Goldust. The Rock looked at Foley. He then looked back at Goldust, and around at the people in attendance.

Goldust heart sank. He didn’t think he could actually go one-on-one with the Great One and win. His brother would be lost forever. 

The Rock’s eyebrow raised as his glanced moved back to Goldust. Raising his hand chest level, Rock pulled his fingers back gesturing to Goldust to “just bring it.” As Goldust got closer to the Rock, Rocks eyebrow lowered. He lightly slapped Goldust on the cheek in an approving matter. 

Without a microphone in his hand, “The Rock says you are going to win this match…And the Rock means you are going to win this match.” 

Dewayne “the Rock” Johnson

It was the strangest thing ever. Rock had no microphone. Even without a microphone, the entire arena heard every word. In what can only be called an urban legend, some say that when they heard the Rock his words were in the language they grew up speaking. Rock laid down in the ring and Goldust pinned him.

Charles Robinson was the referee for the match. He would later say, it was one of the most surreal moments of his career. As he counted the 3-Count, the entirety of the people in attendance counted in unison with him. It was almost supernatural. 

Charles began to raise Goldust hand, as he did The Rock raised Goldust’s other hand. The pop at that moment was deafening. Some of the people in attendance that night actually got tinnitus from that moment. I have heard those people tell their story with pride. They are happy to carry with them for the rest of their lives a reminder of that moment. 

The entire crew by this point was flooding thru the Gorilla Position. Everyone that was at the event came onto the floor. Everyone was cheering, hugging and celebrating Goldust and the GoldenTruths “championship.”

Everything fell silent immediately as the figure of Vince McMahon came walking out of Gorilla with a microphone in his hand. Instinctively the superstars moved to the sides of the entrance ramp giving Vince a direct view of the rings. He raised the mic, “Goldust, you see what you have to understand is… This was a good match. The people loved it. It just wasn’t sanctioned, and that title isn’t even real. I hate to be the one to tell you GoldenTruth, but you are not champions. You just aren’t. You won’t get to make a New Years wish.” The crowd instantly let the Chairman know their feelings on that matter. 

“But wait,” Vince held up his hand trying to quite the crowd. It took several moments, but they eventually grew quite enough for him speak, “Seeing as how this is Christmas Day, I realized Goldust… I mean Dustin. I realized that I drew your name in the Company Dirty Santa Pool or whatever that Son-In-Law of mine is calling it. So I guess I owe you a gift. Never let it be said that Vince McMahon doesn’t follow thru with obligations. So Dustin… Merry Christmas. Here is your present.” and McMahon with his standard larger than life gesture waved his arm towards the entrance. Yellow Dots began rhythmically flashing on the Titantron beginning to sync up with the music entering the air, the now recognizable “Kingdom” by Downstait. On the Titantron the phrase appeared, “Wrestling has more than one Royal Family.“

The lyrics sound as if they came directly from the heart of this superstar.  Adrenaline, in my soul,
Every thought, out of control,
Do it all to get them off their feet.

Goldust (Dustin Rhodes) / Cody Rhodes

The crowd had done just that. Everyone was off of their feet as Cody Rhodes emerged and walked to the ring. There was not a dry eye or a heavy heart in the entire place. He now stood in the center of a ring with his brother again. Cody, Dustin and the world as a whole understood that this moment was not Cody returning to the WWE. It was more like a new era.

An era where the heart that was always present in the business, where the family that has been part of the DNA since the Territory Days, was a bit more on display. The good days when we get along, the bad days when we disagree and even the months we spend forgiving each other. 

This was the kind of thing that did not just change the Sports Entertainment Industry, it was the kind of poetry and emotion that changed the world.

What do you think it would take to change the world? What do you think it would take just to change your world? How great would a “GoldenTruth is Money” Tag Team be! Give us your thoughts in the comments below.

Author: John Edgar


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